What Is Emotion Regulation? Understanding the Science Behind Emotional Control

Emotion Regulation
Written By The Mental Health Clinic
Calm person practising emotion regulation through mindfulness in a peaceful natural setting

Photo by Olia Danilevich

Why Does Emotion Regulation Matter for Mental Health?

In the course of a single day, most of us experience a wide range of emotions such as joy, frustration, anxiety, disappointment, contentment. These emotional responses are a normal part of being human. However, when emotions feel overwhelming, uncontrollable or unpredictable, they can begin to interfere with how we think, behave and relate to others.

Emotion regulation is the ability to manage and respond to these emotional experiences in a way that is both healthy and adaptive. It is a foundational skill that affects our mental wellbeing, our relationships and our capacity to function effectively in daily life. While some people seem naturally better at handling emotional ups and downs, the truth is that emotion regulation is not a fixed trait. It is a skill that can be learned, practised and strengthened over time.

For those who struggle with intense emotional reactions or frequent mood swings, learning to regulate emotions can be life-changing. In fact, it often feels like gaining a sense of control after years of chaos. This article will explore what emotion regulation actually means, why some people find it more difficult than others and what causes emotional dysregulation. We will also answer commonly searched questions like “Why can’t I control my emotions?” and “Is emotional dysregulation a mental health issue?”

So, let’s begin by understanding exactly what emotion regulation involves and why it matters more than we might think.

Understanding Emotion Regulation: The Basics Explained

Emotion regulation refers to the ability to monitor, evaluate and adjust one’s emotional responses in a way that is appropriate to the situation. It involves being aware of your emotions, understanding where they come from and choosing how to express or manage them without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down completely.

That said, regulation doesn’t mean ignoring or denying how you feel. Quite the opposite, it requires acknowledging your emotional state with honesty and care. Suppressing emotions can sometimes lead to an internal build-up, intensifying the very feelings we’re trying to avoid. Instead, regulation is about moving through your emotions with awareness, not against them.

From a psychological standpoint, emotion regulation draws on both conscious and unconscious processes. It engages areas of the brain responsible for reasoning, memory and impulse control, particularly the prefrontal cortex. These processes help modulate activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain involved in emotional reactivity.

People who are skilled in emotion regulation tend to:

  • Pause before reacting

  • Reflect on the source of their feelings

  • Express emotions in healthy ways

  • Bounce back more quickly from emotional upsets

Interestingly, these are not personality traits but learned behaviours. That’s why they’re accessible to anyone willing to practise.

How Emotion Regulation Begins in Early Childhood

Our ability to regulate emotions begins to take shape in early childhood. From birth, children rely on caregivers to help soothe them when they feel overwhelmed. This process, known as co-regulation, lays the groundwork for developing self-regulation skills later in life.

When a caregiver consistently responds to a child’s emotional needs with warmth, attunement and support, the child learns that emotions are safe, manageable and worth paying attention to. This builds secure attachment, which is closely linked to emotional resilience and confidence.

However, if a child’s emotions are frequently ignored, criticised or punished, they may learn to suppress or avoid those feelings altogether. Over time, this avoidance can lead to emotional confusion. A child might grow up unable to name what they feel, unsure of how to process difficult emotions or how to soothe themselves without external support.

Additionally, experiences of trauma, neglect or inconsistent caregiving can disrupt this development entirely. These early disruptions may not be consciously remembered, but they often resurface in adulthood as:

  • Emotional reactivity

  • Fear of abandonment

  • Difficulty trusting others

  • Chronic anxiety or emotional shutdown

Understanding this developmental pathway can help reduce self-blame. If you find emotion regulation challenging, it may not be because you lack strength, it may be because your emotional world was never safely guided in the first place.

Emotion Regulation Throughout Life: From Childhood to Old Age

Emotion regulation skills develop and evolve over time. Understanding how these skills shift across different stages of life can help you support yourself and others more effectively.

Emotion Regulation in Children and Teenagers

Young people rely heavily on caregivers for co-regulation, the process of calming through connection with others. As children grow, they gradually internalise those responses and begin to self-regulate.

Adolescence, however, often brings emotional turbulence. Hormonal changes, identity development, peer dynamics and increased pressure can lead to heightened emotional reactivity. Teens may struggle with impulsivity or emotional extremes, and that’s normal though still frustrating for everyone involved. Providing safe, consistent support helps adolescents build a more stable emotional foundation.

Emotion Regulation in Adults

By adulthood, many of us have developed habitual emotional responses, some healthy, others less so. For example, someone might avoid conflict at all costs because it once led to chaos in their childhood home.

Workplace stress, parenting responsibilities, romantic relationships and financial pressures can all reveal emotional gaps. However, adulthood is also a powerful time for change. With insight and guidance, adults can replace outdated emotional patterns with healthier ones.

Improving Emotional Control as You Age

Interestingly, many older adults report improved emotion regulation. With age often comes perspective, the ability to see beyond temporary upsets and value peace of mind.

Still, later life can bring emotional challenges too. Grief, loneliness, health issues or retirement transitions may trigger emotional upheaval. Support during this time should be patient, respectful and empowering.

No matter your age, emotion regulation is a skill that can be nurtured.

Signs You May Be Struggling with Emotion Regulation

Let’s face it: we all have moments where emotions get the best of us. But when these moments start to dominate our day-to-day lives, or lead to strained relationships, it might be time to take a closer look.

Person feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted, showing signs of emotion dysregulation

Common signs of emotional dysregulation include:

  • Frequent emotional outbursts or breakdowns

  • Intense mood swings that feel hard to control

  • Difficulty calming down after feeling upset

  • Feeling numb, disconnected or emotionally flat

  • Overreacting to minor stressors

  • Struggles with impulsive behaviour or decision-making

These experiences can manifest in subtle ways too. Maybe you find yourself snapping at loved ones, withdrawing from social events or constantly doubting your own reactions. Perhaps you notice that you’re using food, screens, or substances just to get through the day. Whatever the form, the underlying issue is often the same: your emotions feel unmanageable, and you're stuck in a cycle of reacting rather than responding.

What Causes Emotional Dysregulation? Key Factors to Know

There is no single cause of emotional dysregulation. Rather, it often arises from a complex interaction of early experiences, brain biology and environmental stressors. Let’s explore each in more detail.

The Role of Childhood Attachment in Emotional Development

Emotion regulation begins developing in childhood through interactions with caregivers. If a child grows up in an environment where emotions are dismissed, invalidated or punished, they may struggle to learn how to manage their feelings in adulthood. Unresolved trauma or neglect can also disrupt emotional development.

Children who are consistently soothed, seen and supported develop a sense that emotions are safe and manageable. Those who grow up without that often feel ashamed of their emotions or afraid of them.

How the Brain and Nervous System Influence Emotions

Some people are biologically more sensitive than others. Differences in brain function and nervous system sensitivity can influence how easily someone becomes emotionally activated. For instance, if your stress response is heightened, you may experience emotions more intensely or have trouble returning to a baseline state of calm.

This isn’t a weakness. It’s often just how your nervous system is wired, and that awareness alone can be transformative.

Mental Health Conditions That Affect Emotional Regulation

Certain mental health diagnoses are closely tied to emotional regulation challenges. These include:

  • Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

  • Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

  • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

  • Anxiety and depressive disorders

It’s important to recognise that emotional dysregulation doesn’t mean you’re broken. It simply means your emotional system may have been shaped by hardship or overstimulation. Understanding the ‘why’ is often the first step toward healing.

How Culture and Society Shape Emotion Regulation

Emotion regulation is also shaped by culture, community, and the messages we absorb from birth about what is acceptable to feel and who is allowed to feel it.

In some cultures, open emotional expression is embraced. In others, emotions are considered private or only appropriate in certain settings. These cultural norms influence how we grieve, process anger, or handle conflict and whether we feel ashamed or safe expressing vulnerability.

Social Conditioning and Emotion: What You Were Taught to Feel

  • Many men are taught from a young age to suppress vulnerability or avoid sadness.
    “Big boys don’t cry.”

  • Women may be discouraged from expressing anger or emotional pain.
    “You’re too sensitive.”

  • Marginalised groups often carry the weight of discrimination and systemic stress.
    “Don’t show weakness.”

These seemingly minor messages have major effects. They train individuals to suppress, doubt or disown their emotions. Over time, this emotional censorship leads to internal confusion and weakened regulation skills especially when life becomes stressful.

Marginalised communities often carry an extra emotional burden. Racism, sexism, ableism and other systemic pressures can make emotional expression feel unsafe or even dangerous. Learning to regulate emotions in a world that may not validate your humanity is a nuanced, courageous act and one that deserves culturally sensitive support.

Therapy that honours a person’s cultural, social and historical context is far more effective than one-size-fits-all approaches. The goal isn’t to erase emotion but to create safety around expressing it.

How the Body Affects Emotional Regulation: Understanding Interoception

Emotions are not just mental experiences; they are also profoundly physical. Often, the body senses what we’re feeling before the mind consciously registers it.

This is where interoception becomes important the ability to notice internal sensations such as a racing heart, shallow breath, clenched jaw or stomach tension. These physical signs often offer the first clues to deeper emotional states like fear, shame, anger or sadness.

However, trauma can disrupt this awareness. People who have experienced overwhelming stress or threat may disconnect from their bodies as a survival mechanism. This often leads to symptoms such as:

  • Numbness or dissociation

  • Chronic fatigue or tension

  • Gastrointestinal issues

  • Heightened fight-or-flight response

Healing requires re-establishing that lost connection. Practices like mindfulness, breathwork, yoga, body scans or somatic therapy gently guide the nervous system back toward safety and self-awareness. They teach the body that it’s safe to feel again.

Emotional Regulation and Its Impact on Mental Health and Relationships

Our ability to regulate emotions has an extreme impact on nearly every area of life. When our emotional responses are balanced, we feel more in control, connected and capable. We can face challenges without falling apart and relate to others with empathy and boundaries.

A couple sitting in bed facing away from each other, both appearing emotionally distant and distressed, reflecting the impact of poor emotional regulation on relationships.

However, poor emotion regulation often leads to:

  • Chronic anxiety or depression

  • Burnout or emotional exhaustion

  • Eating disorders or substance use

  • Cycles of avoidance or impulsivity

  • Frequent conflict or withdrawal in relationships

  • Difficulties with work performance or parenting

In relationships, emotional dysregulation can lead to misunderstanding, reactivity and disconnection. Outbursts, withdrawal or emotional shutdown can strain communication and erode trust over time. On the other hand, those who regulate emotions well tend to communicate more openly, set healthier boundaries and respond more compassionately to others.

One of the most empowering realisations is that emotional regulation is not just about controlling feelings. It is about building the capacity to move through them with awareness and intention, which ultimately enhances connection with yourself and others.

Misconceptions About Emotion Regulation That Might Hold You Back

Despite growing awareness, many myths about emotion regulation still circulate. These misunderstandings can hold people back from seeking help or embracing tools that could improve their lives. Let’s clear up a few of the most common ones:

“Emotion regulation means not feeling emotions.”

This is a widespread misunderstanding. Regulating emotions does not mean suppressing or ignoring how you feel. In fact, doing so can lead to greater emotional build-up over time. Regulation is about allowing emotions to arise while choosing how to respond rather than react.

“Some people are just too emotional to change.”

While some individuals are more emotionally sensitive by nature (and there’s nothing wrong with that), sensitivity is not the same as instability. Research shows that anyone can build emotion regulation skills regardless of temperament with the right tools. Like any skill, it requires time, practice and often the right support.

“If I can’t control my emotions, I must be weak.”

This belief is not only false but also harmful. Emotion regulation challenges are often linked to past trauma, chronic stress or neurological differences. Struggling does not make you weak, it makes you human.

“Emotion regulation means staying calm all the time.”
Even people with excellent emotional regulation still cry, get angry or feel anxious. The difference is that they can recognise those feelings, soothe themselves and respond with intention.

The truth? Emotion regulation is not about perfection. It’s about progress. It's not about denying emotion but relating to it with compassion and skill.

When Should You Seek Help for Emotional Dysregulation?

While everyone experiences emotional ups and downs, some signs suggest that professional support might be helpful or even essential. Consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional if:

  • Your emotions frequently feel overwhelming or unmanageable

  • You experience chronic anxiety, depression or irritability

  • Relationships feel unstable or strained

  • You feel emotionally numb, flat or disconnected

  • You rely on harmful coping mechanisms like alcohol, drugs or self-harm

Therapy can help. More than that, it can change your life.

Effective approaches include:

  • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps reframe unhelpful thoughts and behaviours

  • Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) offers tools specifically for emotion regulation and distress tolerance

  • Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) helps clients identify, express and resolve underlying emotions

If you are based in Alberta, our clinic offers compassionate, trauma-informed counselling that supports clients in developing emotional resilience and balance.

FAQs: Common Questions About Emotion Regulation Answered

Why can’t I control my emotions?

There are many reasons this might happen, including past trauma, chronic stress, lack of emotional modelling in childhood or neurobiological factors. If you find yourself frequently overwhelmed by emotions, it may be a sign of emotional dysregulation rather than a personal failing.

Is emotional dysregulation a mental illness?

Emotional dysregulation itself is not a diagnosis, but it is a key feature of several mental health conditions such as BPD, PTSD, ADHD and depression. It can also occur without a formal diagnosis, especially in response to unresolved emotional wounds or ongoing stress.

Can emotional regulation be learned?

Yes, absolutely. Emotional regulation is not an inborn talent; it’s a teachable, learnable skill. Like any skill, it can be improved over time through education, practice, therapy and support.

What is the difference between emotional regulation and emotional suppression?

Suppression means pushing emotions down and pretending they don’t exist. It can backfire by causing emotional build-up or physical tension. Regulation means recognising emotions as they arise and responding in ways that are healthy, and values driven.

Can trauma cause emotional dysregulation?

Definitely. Trauma affects how the brain and body process emotion. It can make emotional responses more intense, harder to control or even impossible to understand. Healing trauma often improves emotional regulation dramatically.

Why do I cry so easily?

You might be emotionally sensitive, overwhelmed, or carrying unprocessed grief or stress. Crying is not weakness; it’s a form of release. If it feels constant or uncontrollable, it may help to explore the underlying causes with a therapist.

Is emotional regulation the same as emotional intelligence?

Not quite. Emotional intelligence includes several elements: awareness of your own emotions, recognising emotions in others, empathy and social skills. Regulation is one key part of that broader skill set.

Can poor emotion regulation affect physical health?

Yes. Long-term emotional stress can manifest physically through headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, digestive issues or fatigue. Unprocessed emotions live in the body, and tending to them often improves physical wellbeing too.

Conclusion: How to Build Emotional Resilience and Confidence

Emotion regulation is not about being perfect, emotionally detached or always calm. Rather, it is about learning how to relate to your emotional life with honesty, clarity and compassion. For many, this journey begins with unlearning old beliefs such as “feeling is weakness” and replacing them with healthier, kinder ways of responding.

If you’ve spent your life feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or ashamed of your reactions, know this: you are not broken. Your emotional patterns are responses to your past, not predictions of your future.

At The Mental Health Clinic, we believe emotional resilience is not only possible it’s within reach. Whether you want to better manage your anxiety, understand your moods, or feel more connected to yourself and others, we are here to help. Let’s build your emotional toolkit, together.

The Mental Health Clinic
Next

Self Help for Burnout Without Therapy: 11 Effective Coping Tools