Supporting Someone with an Eating Disorder: The Essential Guide for Friends and Family
Photo by Mikhail Nilov
It’s never easy to worry about someone you care about. Maybe you’ve noticed changes; a friend who always has an excuse to skip meals, a family member who seems more withdrawn, or a partner who’s become anxious around food. You might find yourself wondering if it’s just a phase, or if there’s something deeper going on. You want to help, but you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, pushing them away, or making things worse. It’s natural to feel lost or unsure where to start.
If you’re reading this, you’re already doing something brave: trying to understand and support someone in a tough situation. This guide is for anyone who’s worried, confused, or unsure where to start. You’ll learn how to spot the warning signs, how to talk about your concerns without pushing them away, and what steps you can take to actually help.
Table of Contents
- Warning Signs of Eating Disorders in Loved Ones
- How to Talk About Eating Disorders with a Loved One (Without Pushing Them Away)
- What Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder (and Why It Backfires)
- What to Expect When You Bring Up Eating Disorders With a Loved One
- How to Support Someone with an Eating Disorder (Without Enabling)
- Urgent Eating Disorder Warning Signs: When to Seek Emergency Help
- How to Take Care of Yourself When Supporting Someone with an Eating Disorder
- FAQs: Eating Disorders and How to Help a Loved One
- Why Your Support Matters in Eating Disorder Recovery
Warning Signs of Eating Disorders in Loved Ones
Recognizing an eating disorder in someone else is rarely straightforward. Most people who are struggling will go out of their way to hide what’s really going on. Sometimes, the earliest warning signs can look like healthy habits or simple personality changes. That’s why it’s easy to second-guess yourself or worry about overreacting.
Here’s what to watch for if you’re concerned about a friend, family member, or partner:
Physical Signs You Might Notice
Noticeable weight loss or gain, sometimes in a short period
Constant complaints of feeling cold, dizzy, or tired
Changes in skin, hair, or nails (dryness, hair thinning, brittle nails)
Digestive issues, stomach pain, or unexplained medical symptoms
Cuts or calluses on hands or fingers (sometimes from purging)
Behavioural Signs of Eating Disorders
Regularly skipping meals or making excuses to avoid eating
Rituals around food like cutting food into tiny pieces, eating very slowly, or rearranging food on the plate
Disappearing to the bathroom right after meals
Excessive focus on exercise, sometimes to the point of working out when sick or injured
Hoarding or hiding food, or eating large amounts of food in secret
Wearing baggy clothes to hide changes in their body
Emotional and Social Changes
Pulling away from social events, especially those that involve food
Increased irritability, anxiety, or mood swings
Becoming defensive or secretive when asked about eating habits or body image
Talking often about feeling “fat,” “unworthy,” or dissatisfied with their appearance
Losing interest in activities or hobbies they once enjoyed
Why Eating Disorder Signs Are Often Overlooked
Some behaviours are even praised in our culture like being “disciplined” with food or working out every day, making them easy to overlook. Others may show up gradually, so you might only notice in hindsight how much someone has changed.
You don’t need to see every sign on this list for there to be a problem. If something feels “off,” trust your instincts. Early concern and gentle support can make a real difference, even if you’re not sure what’s really going on yet.
How to Talk About Eating Disorders with a Loved One (Without Pushing Them Away)
Bringing up your concerns about eating can feel risky. It’s common to worry that you’ll say the wrong thing, be met with anger or denial, or even damage your relationship. But silence rarely helps and showing that you care gently and without judgment, can be a lifeline.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Timing matters. Try to talk somewhere private and quiet, where you won’t be rushed or overheard. Avoid starting the conversation when emotions are already running high, like during a conflict or stressful family meal. Sometimes, just asking to take a walk or sit together can create enough space for a gentle, honest chat.
Tip: Prepare the topic points you want to discuss before attempting a conversation.
Ground Yourself First
Before you approach your loved one, check in with your own emotions. If you’re feeling panicked or overwhelmed, take a few minutes to breathe or step away. It’s okay to feel nervous, but coming into the conversation from a calm, steady place helps you listen better and reassures your loved one that you aren’t just reacting out of fear.
Remember the Goal: Connection, Not Correction
Remind yourself that your role isn’t to diagnose or “fix” anything. The main goal is to let your loved one know you care and you’re available to support them with no strings attached. You might not get answers right away, and that’s alright. You’re opening a door, not forcing a solution.
Gentle Ways to Open the Conversation
Sometimes, it helps to name what you’ve noticed, without making accusations. You can say things like, “I noticed you haven’t been eating as much, and I wanted to check in on how you are doing”, “I’ve noticed you seem more anxious around food lately, what been going on?” Or if you’re not sure what to say, it’s okay to be honest: “This feels awkward for me to bring up, but I care about you, and I’ve noticed a few things like ___ that made me worry.”
Tip: Be specific about what you’ve noticed (without sounding like you’re keeping score): “I’ve seen you skipping meals lately,” instead of “You never eat.”
Remember, you can’t force someone to open up. Your first conversation might not change things right away, and that’s okay. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares is enough to plant a seed for change later on.
What Not to Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder (and Why It Backfires)
Even with the best intentions, some comments can accidentally shut down conversation or make a loved one feel worse. Eating disorders are sensitive territory, and it’s easy to say something that backfires, especially when you’re anxious or just want to help.
Avoid Focusing on Weight or Appearance
Comments about weight like “You look too thin”, “You’re gaining/losing weight” or “You look fine to me”, can trigger shame, defensiveness or make your loved one feel judged. Eating disorders are about far more than appearance and focusing on looks can shut down trust or make your loved one more secretive.
Skip the Simple Solutions
Phrases like “Just eat more,” “You’ll feel better if you try,” or “Why can’t you just stop eating?” often come from wanting to help, but they make the problem seem like a choice or a matter of willpower. That’s not how eating disorders work and can make your loved one feel like their pain is being dismissed or not taken seriously.
Using Guilt or Ultimatums
Saying things like, “You’re worrying everyone,”, “Think about what you’re doing to your family,” or “If you don’t change, I’ll have to tell someone,” may come from a place of love, but often just add to the shame and isolation your loved one already feels, making them less likely to open up for help in the future.
Making Comparisons
Saying things like, “Other people have it worse,” or “When I was your age…” tends to make your loved one feel misunderstood or dismissed. Every journey is unique, and minimizing their experience rarely inspires change.
What Works Better
When in doubt, keep things simple and caring. Listening openly, expressing concern, and admitting you don’t have all the answers can be more supportive than any advice. Sometimes, “I’m here for you, no matter what,” is the best thing you can say.
What to Expect When You Bring Up Eating Disorders with a Loved One
Photo by Mikhail Nilov
Taking that first step to share your concern is brave, but the response you get might not match your hopes. It’s important to be prepared for a range of reactions.
Typical Reactions from Loved Ones
People respond in different ways when their struggles are noticed. You might hear denial or minimization such as “I’m fine, you’re overreacting.” Sometimes, there’s defensiveness or irritation like “Why are you watching everything I do” or your loved one may go quiet and avoid the topic altogether. There can also be relief. Sometimes a person is quietly hoping someone will notice, even if they find it hard to admit.
Managing Your Own Feelings
If your conversation doesn’t go well, it’s normal to feel disappointed or even rejected. Remind yourself: these reactions aren’t about you. Many people feel shame or fear when their eating issues are brought to light. Give them space if needed but let them know your support isn’t conditional on their response.
Planting a Seed for Change
It’s natural to hope that talking about it will lead to immediate change, but eating disorders are complicated. It’s rare for someone to accept help right away. People often need time to process what you’ve said. Often, your words plant a seed that might take time to grow. Even if things feel awkward now, your loved one will remember that someone cared enough to reach out. Change can start quietly and take time to unfold. You can say, “I understand you might not want to talk about this right now. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
How to Support Someone with an Eating Disorder (Without Enabling)
When someone you care about is struggling with an eating disorder, it’s natural to want to fix things right away. But real support isn’t about controlling their behaviour or finding the perfect words, it’s about being steady, patient, and present. Here are some ways to support without taking over.
Listen More Than You Speak
Let your loved one share their thoughts and feelings at their own pace. Resist the urge to fill silences or offer solutions unless they ask for advice. Sometimes, the most healing thing you can offer is a safe, non-judgmental space.
Show Up in Small, Consistent Ways
Support doesn’t have to be dramatic. Regular text check-ins, sitting together during meals, or telling them you care can make a world of difference. Your consistent presence, especially when you’re patient and accepting, is often more impactful than any grand gesture.
Offer Practical Help When Appropriate
Instead of guessing what might help, ask directly: “How can I support you right now?” This could mean helping with daily tasks, offering a ride to appointments, or simply spending time together during tough moments. Sometimes the little things are what make daily life more manageable.
Encourage Professional Help, Gently
If you feel it’s the right time, mention that help is available and that reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. You can say, “Have you thought about talking to someone who specializes in this?” Offer to go with them to their family doctor or to a first appointment with a therapist.
If or your loved one is curious about what ongoing professional help actually looks like, learn more about recovery options in our article Living With ADHD: What It’s Really Like & How to Find Support.
Model Kindness and Self-Compassion
The way you talk about food, your body, and yourself has more influence than you might realize. Avoid making negative comments about your own eating, weight, or appearance in front of your loved one, even the little offhand remarks. These can reinforce the harsh self-criticism that often fuels eating disorders.
Instead, try to create an atmosphere where food isn’t “good” or “bad,” and bodies aren’t judged. Speak kindly about yourself and offer the same gentleness to your loved one. If you slip up or say something out of habit, it’s okay to acknowledge it and do better next time. These small shifts in your words and attitudes help build a sense of safety and acceptance, making it easier for your loved one to move toward healing.
Why These Approaches Matter
Trying to control, monitor, or “save” someone can backfire and create distance. On the other hand, being available, reliable, and non-judgmental makes it easier for your loved one to reach out when they’re ready. Recovery is their journey, but your support is a powerful companion along the way.
Urgent Eating Disorder Warning Signs: When to Seek Emergency Help
Sometimes, support from family and friends just isn’t enough. Eating disorders are serious mental health conditions that often need professional care. Knowing when to reach out and how can be lifesaving.
Urgent signs you shouldn’t ignore:
Rapid weight loss or physical changes that worry you
Fainting, severe dizziness, or constant fatigue
Self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or talk of wanting to give up
Refusing food or fluids for extended periods
Signs of purging (vomiting, misuse of laxatives, or diuretics)
If you see these red flags, it’s time to act! Depending on your situation, you have some options.
You can reach out to a 24/7 crisis line like 988 for immediate advice and support.
In a medical or mental health emergency, immediately take your loved one to the nearest emergency room or;
Call 911 if needing a medical professional on site.
How to Take Care of Yourself When Supporting Someone with an Eating Disorder
Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder can feel like walking a tightrope, balancing your concern for them with the need to protect your own well-being. It’s not easy, and it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or unsure where to draw the line.
Why Your Feelings Matter Too
You might find yourself lying awake at night, replaying conversations or worrying about the next crisis. You could notice guilt, frustration, or even anger; emotions that can make you question whether you’re doing enough or doing it right. The truth is that these feelings are natural. You’re carrying a heavy emotional load, and it’s important to acknowledge that.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t about turning away from your loved one; they’re about making sure you have enough energy to keep showing up. This might mean saying “no” sometimes or letting your loved one know when you need to take a break. Give yourself permission to step back when you’re overwhelmed. Keeping up with your own interests and daily routines helps you stay grounded, even when things feel out of control.
Finding Support for Yourself
Connecting with others who understand through support groups, online communities, or counselling can offer much-needed relief and validation. There are many resources across Canada and Alberta just for supporters and families, whether you need advice, encouragement, or just a listening ear.
Taking care of someone in recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. When you give yourself space to rest, recharge, and ask for help, you’re not only looking after your own health but you’re also building the resilience needed to walk beside your loved one for the long haul.
FAQs: Eating Disorders and How to Help a Loved One
Can I make things worse by bringing it up?
It’s a common fear but asking about your concerns gently and without judgment rarely makes things worse. In fact, many people struggling with eating disorders are relieved when someone finally notices. The key is to approach the conversation with care and to listen more than you speak.
What if my loved one gets angry or stops talking to me?
Strong reactions are possible, especially at first. Sometimes anger or withdrawal is a sign of fear, shame, or feeling exposed, not a rejection of you. Stay patient, give them space if needed, and remind them your support isn’t conditional. Let them know you’ll be there when they’re ready to talk.
How do I know if it’s really an eating disorder?
You don’t need to diagnose your loved one to offer support. If you notice ongoing struggles with food, body image, or emotional wellbeing and it’s affecting their life, it’s worth reaching out. If in doubt, encourage them to speak to a healthcare professional who can assess their situation more fully.
What if my loved one refuses help?
Refusing help is common, especially early on. Recovery is a personal decision, and your loved one may need time to accept support. Keep the lines of communication open, offer information about resources, and let them know you’re there no matter what. Sometimes, persistence and patience make all the difference.
Should I tell others like family, doctors, or teachers about what’s going on?
If you believe your loved one is in immediate danger, it’s important to reach out for help, even if it means breaking their confidence. In less urgent situations, respect their privacy, but encourage them to connect with professionals. Involving others can be helpful but do so thoughtfully and with compassion.
How long does recovery take?
Recovery isn’t a straight line and there’s no set timeline. For some, progress happens quickly; for others, it’s a longer journey with ups and downs. What matters most is steady support and believing that change is possible even if it’s slow. Small steps forward are still progress.
Why Your Support Matters in Eating Disorder Recovery
Supporting someone through an eating disorder isn’t easy, and it can be heartbreaking not to see immediate change. But your presence, simply showing up, listening, and holding space without judgment matters more than you might ever know. Recovery is rarely a straight path. There are setbacks, slow progress, and days when nothing seems to shift. Still, every gentle conversation, every patient moment, and every act of compassion plants a seed.
You don’t need to have all the answers or be the perfect supporter. What matters most is your willingness to care, to try, and to keep believing that things can get better. If you ever feel lost, remember that help is available for both you and your loved one. You’re not alone in this.
For more information on different types of eating disorders and recovery options see our full guide: Living With ADHD: What It’s Really Like & How to Find Support.
And if you need support yourself, don’t hesitate to reach out for it. Taking care of yourself is an essential part of helping others heal.
